As children grow, their relationships with parents naturally evolve. For many parents, particularly fathers, it can be heartbreaking when a once-close bond with a son seems to fade during the tween years. If you’re experiencing this challenging transition, you’re not alone—and there are ways to navigate this developmental stage while maintaining connection.
A Parent’s Concern
“I do EVERYTHING I can as a dad to connect with my 10-year-old son. I try to spend quality time with him, plan fun activities, take him for haircuts, and play together. I make conscious efforts not to yell or criticize, and I use positive discipline approaches.
Despite my efforts, I constantly face attitude from him. When I ask what he’d like to do, the answer is ‘nothing.’ I get attitude when I try to play with him, when I tell him it’s time for me to pick him up, even when I buy him things he wants. I’m at a loss about what I’m doing wrong.
What makes this especially difficult is that my 7-year-old daughter loves being around me and shows her affection openly. My son just doesn’t seem to understand how much I love him. The contrast between my children’s responses to me is painful and confusing.”
Our Parenting Advice
What this parent is experiencing represents a common developmental pattern in the tween years. What feels like rejection is often part of healthy separation and identity formation—though that knowledge doesn’t make it any less painful for the parent experiencing it.
Understanding the Tween Transition
The years between 9 and 12 mark significant developmental shifts. During this time:
- Children begin establishing their own identity separate from parents
- Children may start to distance themselves from their parents as part of defining their own identity
- Peer relationships become increasingly important
- Children become more private and less openly affectionate
- Hormonal changes can affect mood and emotional regulation
This transition typically happens earlier than many parents expect—often before the teenage years that we traditionally associate with pulling away. Children who haven’t yet reached this age will likely go through similar changes when they hit this developmental stage.
Creating Space While Staying Available
When children begin pushing away, our instinct is often to push back harder—planning more activities, asking more questions, or expressing hurt feelings. However, this approach typically increases resistance. Instead:
- Offer options without pressure: “I’m going to the park later if you’d like to join”
- Respect their need for privacy and downtime
- Create regular, low-key opportunities for connection (meals, car rides)
- Find ways to be present without demanding interaction
- Maintain consistent routines that include time together
Remember that your child’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of your parenting or how much they love you—it’s about their developmental needs at this moment.
Finding Connection Through Shared Interests
Rather than trying to engage your child in activities you think they should enjoy, observe what genuinely captures their attention. Connection often happens naturally when:
- You participate in their interests rather than introducing your own
- You engage side-by-side rather than face-to-face (working on a project, watching something together)
- You create space for conversation without forcing it
- You notice and affirm their skills and knowledge in areas they value
This might mean playing video games together, helping with a hobby, or simply being in the same space while they do their own thing. Sometimes, the most meaningful connections happen during these unstructured moments.
Setting Boundaries on Behavior While Accepting Feelings
While it’s important to understand your son’s developmental needs, it’s equally important to maintain appropriate expectations for behaviour. You can:
- Separate feelings from actions: “It’s okay to feel frustrated, but speaking disrespectfully isn’t acceptable”
- Express your own feelings without blame: “When I get one-word answers, I feel disconnected from you”
- Set clear expectations for basic courtesy, even during difficult phases
- Model the emotional regulation and respect you hope to see
Teaching children to balance their own needs with consideration for others is one of the most important lessons of this developmental stage.
A Few Kind Reminders
Parenting through these transitions requires patience, not perfection. Your consistent presence and unconditional love matter, even when they’re not visibly appreciated. Many parents report that after a period of distance during the tween and teen years, their adult children return to the relationship with new appreciation and deeper connection.
Remember that your child’s behaviour likely has very little to do with you personally—they’re navigating complex internal changes that they don’t fully understand themselves. By remaining steady and available without taking their reactions personally, you’re teaching them valuable lessons about relationships that will serve them throughout life.
This challenging phase is temporary, but your loving presence through it creates a foundation of security that is permanent. Trust that your efforts matter, even when the evidence isn’t immediately visible.
Get Involved!
- What activities have you found effective for connecting with your tween without pressure? Share your experience to help other parents.
- Have you noticed differences in how your children respond to you at different ages? How have you navigated these changes?
- What questions do you have about supporting your child through the tween years while maintaining your own emotional well-being?
