Parenting a preschooler can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Just when you think you’ve mastered one challenge, another appears. For many parents, the intense emotions and seemingly illogical behavior of 3-4 year olds can leave them questioning whether what they’re experiencing is typical development or something more.
A Parent’s Concern
“I am feeling completely defeated and lost with my daughter’s behavior. My daughter is almost 4. She’s naturally smart, sweet, thoughtful, and wonderful with her little brother. She has also always been stubborn and defiant.
She has had screaming rage meltdowns almost every day for over a year. She screams and cries so loudly she scares her brother and our pets, sometimes hitting me or herself, and throwing things.
These meltdowns usually start because I ask her to do something that’s part of our routine, and she says no. The most confusing part is how she constantly changes her mind. For example, today she wanted to nap in my bed instead of hers. After settling her in my bed, she started crying that she wanted her room instead. When I brought her to her room, she immediately wanted my bed again. When I refused, she began screaming and hyperventilating.
She then claimed she needed the bathroom, but the moment I put her on the toilet, she smirked and said she didn’t need to go. Back in her room, she started screaming for the bathroom again. Then she wanted water, but when I handed her the water bottle from her bed, she threw it down saying she didn’t want it.
This happens daily with naps, getting dressed, food, and other routine activities. I’ve tried time-outs (more like taking deep breaths together in our quiet hallway), reasoning, and consequences that match her actions. Nothing seems to work.
I’m regrettably reaching my breaking point, sometimes screaming or feeling intense rage myself. We love her, our home is usually peaceful, she does enjoyable activities throughout the week, and hasn’t experienced any trauma. These fits last at least an hour, sometimes longer, and I desperately want a better relationship with her.”
Our Parenting Advice
What this parent is describing contains elements of typical preschooler behaviour, but the intensity and frequency of these episodes suggest it might be helpful to look deeper at what’s happening.
Understanding Preschooler Emotional Development
Children between 3-4 years old are in a critical developmental stage:
- They’re developing independence and testing boundaries
- Their language skills are growing, but they still struggle to express complex emotions
- They desire control over their environment but have limited decision-making abilities
- They’re beginning to understand rules but may resist them to assert autonomy
- Their emotional regulation centers in the brain are still very immature
When a child this age gets caught in a cycle of changing their mind and escalating emotions, they often don’t know how to exit the cycle. What starts as a simple preference can quickly spiral into an overwhelming emotional experience they can’t control.
Breaking the Power Struggle Cycle
When children this age behave in seemingly irrational ways, they’re not typically being manipulative—they’re genuinely confused and overwhelmed. Here are strategies to help break this cycle:
- Limit choices to two acceptable options: “Would you like to nap in your bed or on the floor cushion?” (avoiding open-ended questions)
- Once a choice is made, gently but firmly stick with it: “I understand you’re feeling differently now, but we already chose your bed for nap time.”
- Create visual routines so your child knows what to expect: A simple picture chart of nap time steps can reduce anxiety
- Use a timer for transitions: “When the timer beeps in two minutes, it’s time for our nap routine”
- Recognize when your child is becoming dysregulated and intervene before full meltdown: “I can see you’re getting frustrated. Let’s take three deep breaths together.”
Remember that consistency is crucial—children feel safer when they know what to expect, even if they push against those boundaries.
Building Emotional Regulation Skills
Many preschoolers need explicit teaching to develop emotional regulation:
- Name feelings as they happen: “You seem disappointed about having to nap right now”
- Read books about emotions and discuss how characters feel and what they do
- Create a “calm down corner” with sensory tools (stress balls, weighted stuffed animals)
- Practice regulation techniques during calm times, not just during upsets
- Model healthy emotion management yourself: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take five deep breaths”
Research shows that children who can identify and verbalize their feelings are better able to manage them. This is a skill that develops gradually with practice and support.
When to Seek Additional Support
While challenging behaviour is normal at this age, certain patterns might suggest a need for additional assessment:
- Meltdowns that consistently last an hour or more
- Self-injurious behaviour
- Significant disruption to family functioning or daily routines
- Behavior that seems extreme compared to peers
- Parental feelings of being unable to cope
A consultation with a paediatrician can help determine if your child would benefit from further evaluation. Many children benefit from occupational therapy for sensory processing, play therapy, or parent-child interaction therapy—all of which can teach valuable regulation skills.
A Few Kind Reminders
Parenting a child with big emotions can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Your feelings of frustration are completely normal—you’re human too. When you lose your cool, repair the relationship by apologizing simply: “I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling frustrated, but I’m working on using my calm voice.”
Remember that your child isn’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time. Their behaviour is communication, and with patience and consistency, you can help them develop healthier ways to express their needs.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. When parents are depleted, it’s nearly impossible to respond calmly to challenging behaviour. Even short breaks to recharge can make a significant difference in your capacity to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Get Involved!
- What strategies have worked for you when your preschooler seems stuck in a cycle of changing their mind?
- How do you maintain your calm when facing repeated meltdowns?
- What resources have you found helpful for teaching emotional regulation to young children?
