A concerned parent shares their heartbreak over their 3-year-old son’s difficulty making friends at preschool, and we offer some helpful guidance for Singapore parents facing similar situations.
The Situation
When my son started preschool at age 3, I didn’t think much of it when he would say he had a “bad day” when I asked about school. I assumed he was just being dramatic or adjusting to the routine.
But over the past couple of months, he’s started sharing more details about why his days are “bad” – specifically, that he doesn’t have anyone to play with. According to him, all the other children have regular playmates, but he’s left out. He tells me about classmates saying they don’t want to play with him or be his friend.
We’ve had good conversations about how it’s okay if someone doesn’t want to be his friend and about learning to play independently sometimes. However, the situation seems to be getting worse, not better.
As his parent, it breaks my heart. He’s such a sweet, kind, and gentle little boy. I never imagined we’d be dealing with friendship rejection issues at just 3 years old. Is this normal? What should I do?
Our Parenting Advice
First, let me reassure you—what this parent is experiencing is incredibly common. Many parents watch their little ones navigate these exact same social hurdles in their preschool years.
The truth is, these young children are just beginning their friendship journey. They’ve spent most of their lives with adults who generally accommodate their needs, and suddenly, they’re in a room full of other children with their own wants and big feelings!
Preschoolers are essentially friendship beginners, figuring out social interactions for the first time. One day they’re playing together wonderfully, and the next they might declare “you’re not my friend anymore!” over something as simple as who gets to use a particular toy. This emotional rollercoaster is normal, though undeniably challenging.
This little boy isn’t alone in this confusing social world. He’s right on track, learning the complicated process of making and keeping friends—even if it feels like he’s struggling through it right now.
Getting the full picture
Let’s pause for a moment and consider something important—preschoolers see the world through a completely different lens than we do. What sounds like “nobody wants to play with me” might actually be “the specific friend I wanted to play with today was busy with someone else.”
Before your heart breaks completely (because I know that feeling!), try gathering more information:
- Drop by during free play time if your preschool allows it. You might be surprised to see your “friendless” little one happily building blocks alongside classmates!
- Ask more specific questions like “Who did you sit beside at snack time?” instead of the general “How was your day?”
- Chat with teachers about what they’re actually seeing. They have the advantage of watching the whole social ecosystem every day.
- Gently consider whether those “bad day” reports might serve another purpose. Sometimes, little ones discover that certain stories get extra cuddles or attention from worried parents.
The classroom social landscape often looks very different through adult eyes than through a three-year-old’s perspective.
What you can do at home
1. Turn friendship into a game
Transform your living room into a friendship practice zone! Make stuffed animals “ask” to join your child’s play, or use puppets to act out playground scenarios. Practice phrases like:
- “Can I have a turn with that toy?”
- “I like how you’re building that tower! Can I help?”
- “Would you like to play tag with me?”
These little rehearsals can make the real-world versions so much less intimidating.
2. Start small with playdates
School can feel overwhelming with so many potential friends and so much stimulation. Try arranging a one-on-one playdate at a quiet neighbourhood park or your home where friendship can bloom more naturally. Singapore has plenty of cosy spots perfect for these more intimate social connections.
3. Let books do some of the talking
There’s something magical about seeing your struggles reflected in a story. Find picture books about shy bunnies making friends or lonely dinosaurs finding their tribe. These stories normalize the friendship journey and give children language for what they’re experiencing.
Working with the school
Building a partnership with teachers
The people who spend hours with your child each day have a treasure trove of insights! Schedule a quick chat with your child’s teacher—not just about concerns, but about opportunities.
Good teachers are social engineers—they can pair your child with a potential friend for a special project or position them at an activity table with more welcoming classmates. They might notice that your little one shines during certain activities but struggles during others, giving you specific areas to work on together.
When to seek additional help
While friendship hiccups are part of growing up, trust your parental instinct if something feels more significant. Keep an eye out if:
- Your previously bubbly child becomes consistently withdrawn
- They develop mysterious tummy aches every school morning
- They seem to struggle with understanding basic social cues that peers have mastered
If these patterns emerge, a gentle conversation with your paediatrician can help you determine whether additional support might benefit your child.
A Few Kind Reminders
Remember when your child was learning to walk? All those wobbles and tumbles were part of the process. Friendship works the same way—it’s a skill being built one interaction at a time.
Some children naturally take longer to find their social footing, especially the thoughtful, sensitive souls who process social dynamics deeply. The conversations you’re having already show you’re giving them exactly what they need—a safe harbour from which to venture out.
The most beautiful friendships often start with just one connection. It doesn’t take a crowd to fill a heart—sometime,s that one child who truly “gets” yours makes all the difference. And that special friend could appear any day, perhaps when you least expect it.
